Tiny Shift #2: The best question to ask at the end of the day.
Giving end-of-the-day attention to very important things that might have been overlooked.
Despite all our efforts to think “reasonably” about intimate relationships, they remain rooted in emotion. Intimate relationships are typically borne of emotion… “I love you!” They typically flounder emotionally… “I don’t feel connected to you the way I’d like.” And they typically end emotionally… “I don’t think I love you anymore.” or “I hate you!”
We can spend a lot of time learning better relationship skills. And that will more than likely improve things. We can work very hard to achieve financial stability. And that will more than likely improve things. We can cultivate supportive relationships with friends and family. And that will likely improve things.
But, nothing improves a relationship more than tuning in to emotions, expressing emotions respectfully and listening to emotions being expressed lovingly.
That being the case, the best question to ask your partner at the end of the day is…
Have I done anything today that hurt your feelings?
It’s a simple question.
It recognizes the fact that my behavior has an impact on my partner. It moves in the direction of taking responsibility for interactions that may or may not have occurred consciously. And, it’s a loving gesture.
Asking that question seriously and listening to the response respectfully can make a huge difference in how a relationship evolves.
This is great. A simple skill for deepening ongoing intimacy. Though not easy. You have to be ready to hear the answer to this powerfully loving question. The other person may need to work on how to answer mindfully.
I wonder if this is a skill that is best practiced, at first, at a time when there's space to process any difficult things that come up, rather than at the end of the day when tension may be more difficult to move through. What do you think Jake?
It also recognizes the possibility that I hurt you unintended. And that is a strong statement that this it is important to my to avoid.