Reactivity... the single most potent contributor to relationship conflict.
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom." Viktor Frankl... psychiatrist and holocaust survivor.
We’ve known this for centuries.
Stephen Bachelor, in his recent book, Buddha, Socrates and Us: Ethical Living in Uncertain Times, outlines the process succinctly.
Something happens … a stimulus.
That “something” lands in my world.
Like most people, I live in a binary world (things are either good or bad). So, I will immediately need to categorize that “something” as good or bad.
My next move will come quickly and will be based on how I’ve categorized the “something.”
In other words, I have reacted.
I have become reactive.
Now, let’s place this sequence in an intimate relationship where how each responds to the other carries an inordinate amount of weight. The result is often rapid and obvious. At the onset of a relationship this sequence can feel amazingly nice—one good thing after another. Later, as a history of confusion and disappointment accumulates, it can feel profoundly discouraging.
There are obvious and often-used responses designed to reduce reactivity. For example…
“Count to 10 before responding.”
“Breathe!”
“One step at a time…”
These are great! But, they are events, not lifestyle changes. They are like taking a brisk walk around the block today to prepare for running a marathon tomorrow. …a drop in the bucket.
For most, reactivity is a lifestyle and is best addressed with lifestyle changes.
The first step to making a lifestyle change is to notice the pervasive nature of reactivity. It’s everywhere! Here are some occasions that can produce reactivity.
I’m at an intersection and the person in front of me doesn’t move when the light turns green.
The meal I ordered isn’t exactly what I’d asked for.
My child rolls her eyes when I ask her to do a chore.
My partner doesn’t greet me warmly.
The balance in my checking account isn’t what I thought it would be.
I can’t find my car keys.
These are all simple, common experiences. Each one offers an opportunity to assess reactivity. Regulating yourself through these events provides the exercise necessary to regulate through much more difficult events.
Consider this…
Paying careful attention how you do simple, perhaps inconsequential, things offers a window into how you will deal with much bigger events. It’s always easier to begin small.
"Your advice aligns perfectly with what I am becoming increasingly convinced of: You might find the ideal partner, but to keep them, you have to be a great partner yourself. Navigating this is exactly the kind of skill we can train in our everyday lives—which is infinitely more effective than any seminar."