Paradox: The Unexpected Truth of Relating Meaningfully

Under the surface of any committed relationship reside paradoxes that affect how partners communicate and problem-solve. Recognize them... appreciate them... and use them to deepen understanding.

Being in a committed relationship, like most of life’s important experiences, is rooted in paradox. For instance, a committed, intimate relationship, by definition, limits our freedom while offering us a depth of freedom that can’t be found anywhere else.   This fact is pervasive. It’s a bit like the air we breathe…essential, ever-present and, for the most part, unacknowledged.

I believe the paradoxical nature of intimate relationships is essentially unexpected. Most of us think almost exclusively in linear terms. For example, if I am nice to my partner the relationship will go well. One event logically leads to another. It’s straightforward. While this is, in most cases, true, it overlooks the very complicated nature of intimate relationships. Paradox defies linear thinking. Therefore, it is an unexpected feature of relating with an intimate partner.

Because paradox is unexpected, it typically operates behind the scenes. From this unacknowledged place, paradox affects even the most inconsequential exchanges between partners.

Acknowledged or not, we live in a paradoxical world. This paradoxical world offers an ideal environment for personal growth, provided we are willing to hold both sides of the paradox equally. In this case, living in a paradox means simultaneously seeing the positive features of freedom and the positive features of limits.  Our natural inclination to think in linear terms tempts us to take sides when we encounter the unexpected truth of paradox. Depending on the circumstance, we are likely to extol freedom over limits. Or, for that matter, limits over freedom.

But, one side of a paradox is never more “positive” than the other.

The limits associated with a committed relationship create an environment that   demands focus and attention. By eliminating distractions, you can more clearly see the value of your commitment. The freedom associated with a committed relationship allows you to be yourself fully in the company of someone with whom you feel safe. You don’t need to perform for your partner because you’re free from the need to impress.   

The paradox of limits and freedom is one of the most important unexpected relationship truths.  Holding limits and freedom in the same space and time deepens your understanding of what it means to be in a committed partnership. Embracing a paradox like limits and freedom opens the door to the relationship’s deeper gifts.  

Paradoxes simply ask us to acknowledge the complexity of intimate relationships.  Though they may play a role among acquaintances and friends, they do not exert the influence they have on committed, intimate partners.  For committed partners the desire for deep connection coupled with the desire to be recognized as an individual apart from the relationship is a central dynamic that when navigated successfully produces well-being.  

For example, Kelsey and Sue are individuals each with their own understanding of their relationship dynamic.  When Kelsey and Sue come together, they form a system that is intricate and complicated.  So, when Kelsey’s boss asks her to go on a week-long business trip, she wants the freedom to say, “yes” without having to ask Sue if it is OK. The freedom Kelsey feels saying “yes” to her boss is the product of the limits she embraced when she made a commitment to Sue.  For Sue to feel comfortable in this situation, she needs to know that Kelsey has an appreciation for the limits their relationship imposes even as she expresses the freedom to make a decision on her own. 

These Unexpected Truths are dynamic, vital and pervasive.  They affect how we communicate and how we problem-solve.  They speak to the complexity of committed, intimate relationships in ways that most relationship descriptors don’t grasp.  Unfortunately, they are often overlooked or deliberately ignored even though they have a profound effect. 

Most of us understand and accept the notion that we do not fully know ourselves or our partners. We recognize that there is always “more than meets the eye.”  In this case, the “more” points to paradoxical and unexpected truths that always underlie relating meaningfully.

To avoid these Unexpected Truths in favor of the illusion of simplicity and clarity is to avoid an opportunity to deepen one’s relationship life.