Accessibility may be more important than communication.

There are few things better than reaching for your partner and knowing he/she is receptive to your bid for attention.

Maybe I’ve spent too many years working with couples. Maybe I’ve heard, “We just don’t communicate” too often. Whatever the case, finding new ways of referring to common relationship difficulties seems beneficial. Hearing the same thing over and over tends to dull the desired impact. Finding new words might make partners more inclined to take feedback seriously.

So… here’s a suggestion.

Instead of saying,

“We don’t communicate.”

or

“We are drifting apart.”

or

“You never listen to me.”

or

“Why don’t you tell me about yourself the way you did when we first met?”

Try this…

“There was a time when we had easy access to each other. I’d like us to work on making ourselves more accessible.”

I like the word, “access,” because it points to the need for openness. And, it subtly addresses the natural inclination most of us have to become guarded. In addition, it broadens how we think about the relationship. Access can be conveyed verbally, of course, but it can also be conveyed nonverbally. The stance I take when with my partner says a lot about accessibility. The extent to which I offer soft eye contact speaks to my accessibility. The way I time interactions with my partner indicates how much I desire to be accessible.

In addition, it points to one of the most important features of a well-functioning relationship…the willingness to allow oneself to be influenced. Couples that get along well are accessible to each other and allow themselves to be influenced by the other.

Here’s an example of resisting influence and being inaccessible.

She: Hey, I think if we turn here it will shorten our drive significantly.

He: No, I don’t want to go that way and I don’t think you know what you’re talking about.

Here’s an example of allowing influence and maintaining accessibility.

She: Hey, I think if we turn here it will shorten our drive significantly.

He: You know, I’ve wondered about that but I’ve been reluctant to give it a try. Let’s see if it actually cut’s our drive time.

Most of us want easy access to our partner. It’s what makes relating fluid, interesting and growth producing. Many of us, on the other hand, are cautious about allowing access to ourselves. The extent to which we’re self-protective is the extent to which we limit growth.

Consider this…

Think of the space between you and your partner as having an easily opened door. No lock. No barricade. All it takes is a gentle knock and the door is open.